Did you stock up on sunblock and petroleum jelly while it was on sale? Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourself in, this one is going to be a real burner. Prepare for your eyes to bulge out of their sockets…we’re going to Mars. Again.
The BIGGEST Disappointment in the Solar System
Here’s something they don’t teach people in kindergarten: Mars isn’t the biggest planet in the solar system, it’s the biggest disappointment.
First, let’s start with an obvious problem. Mars isn’t “right next door to Earth”, like it’s often described in Nickelodeon cartoons.
Mars, on a good day, is about 140 MILLION miles away from Earth.
Not impressed? Mars could be even further away, up to a whopping 249 million miles. However, to be fair, at its closest approach, Mars is only a stone’s throw away: 33.9 million miles. So there’s that.
Check this out, Earth’s moon, on average, is about 238,855 miles away, which means you can put an empty fishbowl on your head, stuff yourself inside a soda can, and make about 586 single trips to the Moon, by the time you reach Mars, once.
You can also travel to the Moon in less than four days, however, a trip to Mars may cost you between six or nine months (depending on fuel and orbital dynamics). You decide which world is closer.
Wanna know what really chaps my ass? It’s practical to visit Mars at specific times during its orbit. Yes, you read that correctly. Something to do with orbital resonace. Don’t feel like getting into it.
Your definition of “right next door” might be different. Imagine if you ran out of Froot Loops and traveled 149 million miles, just to hear your neighbor say, “Cereal? I haven’t had any since 1988”. That’s exactly like Mars. Think about it.
What would it be like if Mars, today, was filled with magical ferns, dinosaurs, Boney M, and wild Jacuzzis? We’d have a reason to go there.
The Water Park is Closed. Go Home.
Ancient Martian rocks spilled the beans: the Dead Planet used to be a real bitchin’ place to live! Filled with water parks, slides, rides, lazy rivers, and all sorts of aquatic attractions, you could have brought your family and experienced a wholesome fun time.
Just like that time when Aunt Beth had one too many piña coladas and dropped Little Jimmy on his noggin, Mars suffered a critical error during its developmental period.
You see, Mars’ waistline is only about half the diameter of Earth.
Jupiter, the widest load in the solar system, stuffed its gaseous mouth with scrumptious cosmic cakes, leaving Mars to nibble on rocky crumbs.
In other words: Jupiter packed on pounds as it sucked up gas, dust, rocks, bricks, nails, trash cans, license plates—Jupiter don’t care—growing large and in charge as it meandered across the solar system, swiping food off Mars’ plate. That’s exactly what happened. Look it up.
Frozen to the Core
Here’s the dealio—Mars doesn’t have enough fat (mass). After billions of years has expired, its outer core cooled, and then the planet’s magnetic field just stopped working.
Planetary magnetic fields take one for the team by interacting with something nobody wants to interact with: the solar wind.
The solar wind is kind of like those creepy satanists who hang out in nasty caves.
You know they’re in there, somewhere, you just avoid them, otherwise your heart might be extracted from your chest. Yeah…the solar wind is a lot like that.
Or more precisely: the Sun emits a constant stream of excitable protons, electrons, and other stuff, throughout the solar system and beyond.
If there’s one thing the solar wind loves to kill, it’s helpless atmospheres.
Without a planetary magnetic field, wild subatomic particles take small bites out of fragile atmospheres. The moment when Mars’ outer core got a case of the shivers, its bright future disintegrated into red dust.
Yes, we know, Mars technically has a dinky atmosphere, but that’s just one more strike against it, and proves that Mars is a basket case.
Here’s another reason why we need to blow up Mars—it’s being used and abused by a cartoonish jerkwad to immortalize his entitled place in world history.
Where We’re Going, We Need Servants
Elon Musk, the richest mannequin in the world, sprouted angel wings and has vowed to save Homo sapiens.
Mars is the most dangerous planet in the solar system because it provides social psychos a way to pretend to be human.
Not done yet.
Before saving everyone, in the mean time, Elon snacks on other people’s wives (ask Johnny), is an expert on being a pedo (his words, not mine), pollutes communities (big dick rockets), claims to be an alpha (ask his wife), takes credit for other people’s work (Tesla), and tried to be funny on SNL. Gross.
Elon’s SNL appearance scared the absolute bejesus out of everybody on planet Earth, and if anyone should go to Mars…it’s Elon…alone **Queue laugh track **
Why haven’t you soiled your britches?
It’s just a matter of time before a disgruntled asteroid slaps Earth back into the Dark Ages. We have to colonize Mars as soon as possible, or we’re gonna lose power for a very, very long time.
Itsy-bitsy problem: Comets and asteroids hate Mars, too.
Don’t believe it? Take a closer look at these Martian battle scars and you’ll see a history of confrontation between Mars’ face and an asteroid’s fist.
What’s the grand plan when a blazing rock roasts all the potato farms on Mars?
With less resources and places to hide, Martian colonists may as well toast their own soul over an open fire…if they could build a fire.
Wait a minute.
Mars loiters closer to the asteroid belt than Earth, right? Does that mean it’s at greater risk of an impact? Seems logical, we’ll just assume that’s true. Mars earns another red strike.
We can’t allow cartoonish jerkwads to warp our future into their vision of what they believe is right. I see you Jeff Bezos, you’re next.
It’s not possible to save humanity by going to Mars, just in case you haven’t been paying attention.
If you want to figure out how to become impact proof, rub two brain cells together. You’ll soon discover that humans should spread throughout the entire solar system, like butter on a piece of burned toast.
It’s in poor taste to point out all the ugly flaws about Mars and not provide a solution. So here’s a solution.
What’s one thing planets and moons have in abundance? Space!
Venus, for example, is closer than Mars, but its surface isn’t compatible with complex life, or metal.
The Venusian orbit is pretty brisk, though. And last time anyone checked, volcanoes don’t float in space, so let’s go ahead and park a modular space station in its orbit. Problem solved.
Mercury also has plenty of vacant orbital space, but just because it’s closer than Mars, doesn’t mean Mercury it’s easy to explore. Because it’s not.
According to that lovely infographic, traveling to Mercury can cost up to several years. In that same time frame, you can make about 14 single trips to Mars. Ain’t that a bitch.
Let’s not bring up the Moon because this is getting embarrassing for everybody. Or Earth’s orbit.
Yes, Earth’s orbit is a viable option. If there were enough space stations or modular habitats, people could just populate Earth’s backyard.
Somebody’s probably thinking, “Excuse me, I know where you’re going with this. The International Space Station cost about 150 billion bucks, plus upkeep. It’s far too expensive to build more space stations.”
Let’s examine that wonderful thought.
Take a quick gander at that fancy infographic.
Whoa, Rovers ain’t cheap. Add it all up, that’s about $6 billion buckaroos dedicated to studying Martian quakes, dry lake beds, and red rocks.
The last mission to the Moon occurred in 1972, and the total cost of all previous missions combined: $28 billion USD, or $280 billion when adjusted for inflation. Expensive or a bargain? Who knows.
This much we do know: nobody cares about Martian helicopters if they’re deader than disco.
Calculate all the past missions to Mars, that’s billions of green backs dedicated to studying things we currently don’t need to study.
Besides…how come Mars gets all the damn rovers? Shit.
True, if NASA received a proper smidgen of the US Department of Defense budget, nobody would have to pinch pennies.
Ready to get pissed off? A single aircraft carrier, like this massive bastard, the USS Ford, costs about $13.3 billion USD.
How many rovers can we build with that kind of money?
New age death machines burn holes in our pockets. We’re not going anywhere.
Priority Sells…But Who’s Buying?
Legendary scientific experiments have been conducted on the ISS. Take a quick glance at this list.
- Disease studies
- How-to purify scrumptious water
- Prevent bone and muscle loss
- future smart people working with orbiting labs
- Growing tasty food!
Microgravity environments are worth more than their weight in gold. Any compromised nerd who says it’s a waste of money to maintain the ISS, needs to stop watching Marvel movies. Immediately.
Sorry guys and gals, tights or capes don’t grant people the ability to breathe in outer space! Time to grow up…sheesh (anyone see the latest Spider-man movie? Tom Holland was great).
While floating way up high, do you want to see if somebody gets a bad case of space madness? Go to the ISS.
Would you like to know how tomatoes grow in a microgravity environment? Go to the ISS.
Perhaps you want to know if bacteria can throw a party in space? Go to the ISS.
Want to observe if a poor soul can survive a mission to Mars? Go to the freakin’ ISS. You get the idea. Hopefully.
Here’s the entertaining part—Tom Cruise is going to blast off into space—and then film action scenes inside a modular movie set. Try duct taping a modular movie set to Mars and see what happens.
Space stations can have a variety of shapes and purposes. Planets generally have one shape, you can guess which shape that is.
With enough technical know-how, electrical wizardry, and magical materials, space stations will someday be limited by our imagination. Planets are limited by nature until we heat ’em up.
Have you heard of this neat trick? While orbiting a celestial body, space stations can boost to a higher altitude, dodging an incoming jab from a rocky invader or piece of space trash. Try boosting a planet and see what happens.
So, if going to Mars is really about saving our sweet asses, capable nations (or private industries), instead, would build more space stations and park them much closer than Mars. Duh.
Besides, there’s a better planet than Mars, and it’s almost just as far away.
Icier Things to Do
Did you know our solar system has a secret planet?
Somewhere in the asteroid belt, 257 million miles away, is a dwarf planet, smaller than Earth and Mars, but don’t you dare underestimate its diminutive stature.
Ceres is flush with the good stuff: water, cryovolcanoes, salt, ice, and even a rinky-dink atmosphere.
Unlike Mars, this planet’s peculiar axis of rotation guarantee seasons never exist. Awesome.
Here’s the best part: no dust.
Ceres has more accessible resources than Mars because its outer surface is rather icy. Martian water, by comparison, is mostly confined to its polar ice caps.
According to NASA Dawn measurements, Ceres could be comprised of 25% water, which is more than the planet you’re currently living on, and sure as hell more than Mars.
Ceres also has major salt deposits, which can be used for something…think about all the things you can do with salt.
Colonizing Ceres, just for the sake of preserving our species, is straight up dumb, since we have better things to do. But it’s a
smarter wetter choice than Mars and almost the same distance.
Do advanced eggheads renovate cosmic crack houses, or do they build their own habitats in space? An intelligent species builds, a wasteful species moves.
Even if a gang of devoted fanboys go to Mars and put up with the abysmal living conditions, who’s supporting the colony?
Who’s paying for all the future bottle rockets?
Who’s sending astronaut ice cream?
What happens when Earthlings get into a heated argument and throw water balloons each other? By balloons, of course, I mean bombs. Lots and lots of bombs.
What happens when Justin Bieber releases a number one hit single and people stop giving a flying fuck about Mars?
Let’s enjoy this much needed recap.
- Mars is, like, really, far away, man
- Mars has a highly eccentric orbit
- Mars, once again, has a major problem with its core
- Ceres is a smarter planet to colonize (still a dumb idea)
- Funding Martian missions is a waste of limited resources
- To preserve our species, we currently don’t need to study Mars
- Space stations are more versatile and valuable than a Martian colony
- Mars has been used and abused by asteroids, too
- What happened to priority? We should populate the Moon and Earth’s orbit before colonizing Mars
- Everybody spends way too much cash on death machines
- Elon Musk. Enough Said.
Not like any of this bullshit matters.
How much cash does each nation spend on machines of death? Remember, just a single American aircraft carrier costs almost $14 billion USD, and they just float in the water, like a lethal rubber ducky.
Oh, by the way, good ol’ USA owns eleven lethal rubber duckies. Bring it on.
The ISS had been scheduled to be decommissioned in the near future, that’s just a fancy of saying we’re going to slam dunk the ISS into the ocean, because that’s what we do.
This ain’t about affordability, it’s about priority.
In the year 2021, for example, the DOD suggested we blow through $740.5 billion USD, in order to protect our freedoms and vaporize terrorists.
For the same amount of cheddar, it’s possible to build about five space stations or 600 Martian rovers. Take your pick.
Humanity has more than enough resources to build modular space habitats, lunar bungalows, and lakeside Martian condos. But we’d rather throw missiles at each other instead. Fun times.
Based on the cold reality we live in, Mars is a pie in the sky, fatal distraction, that wastes limited resources, while privileged individuals seek to profit from modernized doomsday schemes.
Saying the world will someday be walloped by an asteroid, is the same as saying the Four Horsemen may throw a massive block party in 2045.
Four Horsemen may or may not exist, and an asteroid may or may not cause an extinction…in the next million years.
Hey, since the Four Horsemen may ride into town, you’ll no longer need any earthly possessions, right? Send all your cool stuff to me. I’ll take care of it. Promise.
Come on, man. Do you believe billionaires give a fat comet’s ass about your pet gerbil, planet Earth, Mars, or the future of humanity?
Here’s the answer to the test: they care about vacuuming fat wads of cash into the belly of their piggy bank.
Space, Mars, and everything in between, is just an untapped source of revenue, tourism, or entertainment. Welcome to the future.
Prepare for Reentry
Phew, that was a bumpy ride. Our heat shields took a beating, but we somehow made it back home. I’m in the mood for a donut.
We learned a thing or two about planetary cores, weight gain, magnetic fields, Tom Cruise, Ceres, the solar wind, space stations, and, of course, why Mars sucks. Again.
It’s been a long journey, compadre. Sad to see you go. Feels like we really went to Mars and back.
Congratulations! You should feel a little less worthless, Earthling. You earned it.
What’s going on? Do you think I’m totally wrong about Mars or have something against space stations? Perhaps you have a smarter plan? Leave your thoughts in the comment section and your great idea may save humanity.
References & Resources
NASA/infographics, videos, DAWN measurements, list of greatest scientific experiments
Navytimes.com/cost of USS
Big Bastard Ford
nymag.com/ Elon’s fantastic alpha quote
defense.gov/ Fiscal year 2021 budget proposal…
You’re still here? This is getting weird.