Self-help Tactics: Way of the Astronaut


Oh no! You’re about to crash into the mouth of a mysterious crater. Altitude is dropping, and your fancy spacecraft is skimming across jagged mountains. Something really, really bad is going to happen. The mission rests on the shoulders of your big brain, if you fail, everyone fails. What are gonna do? There’s no pressure…you’re just the first human to visit an alien planet…no big deal. A second is too long to think—by the time you decide to make the right choice—it’s too late. Precious moments are flyin’ past you, but there’s nothing to worry about, right? The craters are starting to look pretty BIG, and now you can look into a mountain’s craggy pupils. Almost all the fuel has been eaten. Your spacecraft is chewing on measly fumes. Now is the time to make a choice! Decide now or crash. Try not to let humanity down, okay? No pressure.


I Ain’t Got Time To Worry About Dyin’

An astronaut is trained to keep calm while shit hits the fan. Space explores can’t waste time worrying about being burned alive, or exploding into a zillion pieces. If they start pulling their hair out, they won’t be able to perceive the critical moments that pass them by. The moment may only last a few seconds…if they’re lucky. An astronaut can’t see anything if their eyes are filled with tears, or if their big brain is filled with past memories of happy birthdays with their loved ones. There’s no time for mushy memories. Sometimes you only have one chance to get things right, or something really, really bad will happen…like turning into a piece of human charcoal. Nobody likes that.




  • Stay Calm & Float

If you’re about to crash into a mountain, stay calm and look for the right moment. Don’t let the moment whizz past you, and don’t shut your eyes. Perhaps there’s a slight opening between two pieces of humongous rocks, and perhaps you can squeeze your tiny spacecraft between the claustrophobic space. If your eyelids are glued by fear, you’ll never see the opening between two humongous rocks. Obviously. There’s a solution to every problem—it’s your mission to find the answer. Bitching and moaning won’t help you, either. Think about how much time it takes to wet your space suit. The solution to your problem may present itself during any critical moment. You need to be perceptive and cool, or risk exploding into a zillion pieces. Don’t let that happen. You’ll be embarrassed.


  • Train Your Big Brain

Develop a variety of contingency plans which will solve future problems. Do you think an astronaut ponders what to do if a greedy fire is munching on all the oxygen within the spacecraft? Of course not! There’s an extinguisher near the command console, and astronauts are trained to put out the fire. No thinking is required. Astronauts fallback on their past training, and that leaves their big brain free to think about more important duties. What about airplanes? If a goose somehow gets sucked up into the engine and then bursts into a fireball…does the airplane just give up and take a nosedive toward planet Earth? Hell no! The backup engine takes over. Hopefully. Guess what? You don’t need to be an astronaut to create your own contingency plans, so what are you waiting for? You can also train to solve specific scenarios, too, because you never know. You’ll be prepared to see the moments which are about to whizz by your head—instead of being preoccupied with formulating a plan. Never let a wild goose ruin your precious day…or life.



The Universe is Vast, And So Are Your Problems

There’s noway we can predict everything. Crystal balls are pretty, however, a crystal ball probably won’t tell you the future, and a crystal ball sure as shit won’t provide you with a solution. What’s the point of knowing something really, really bad is going to happen…if you lack the necessary skills to solve certain problems? Even if a crystal ball reveals the future—it will never reveal critical solutions that whizz by your head. You can’t use a crystal ball to put out a fire, either. Remember that.


Don’t forget to put on your spacesuit. Keep your eyes open.
















Published by FlyTrapMan

I have no idea what I'm doing.

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