Roman Romance Dating Advice: Vampires, Big Brain & Cuddling


Did you come home last night and discover the milkman getting a little to close with your wife? May as well just hop along, kangaroo! Some people drink dairy and there’s nothing you can do about it. Perhaps your heart is all busted up. Yup. That’s it. You climbed into bed and discovered a zebra striped thong. Used, of course. You have too much self-respect and never wear animal prints, which means your husband is most likely banging your best friend. Congratulations. Go sucker punch Melanie right in her pretty kisser.

A few sad people contacted the show and asked Roman Romance to help them out of a lover’s jam.



Question 1: Felicia Fictitious

Hi Roman! I love your show. My boyfriend and I been together…for…about 10 days. Isac, my boyfriend, doesn’t like to cuddle. Please help me.

You certainly know how to pick a sweet prince from the relationship tree, Felicia. The answer is simple—dump Isac. Perhaps Isac will learn to appreciate cuddling, especially when you’re not around to cuddle him. Let Isac cuddle with himself. See how much he likes it. We don’t truly appreciate something until it’s gone. Do you see where I’m going with this, Felicia?


Question 2: Zachery Q. Notreal

I’m in serious trouble, Roman. My wife won’t let me go outside during the day. She has a vampire fetish and doesn’t like it when sunlight touches my pale skin. I never have seen her eat. The front door is locked. So are the windows. She may really be a vampire. I know you been around, Roman. Any advice? My vitamin D level is getting low. Thanks.

Never get involved with a biter…you’ll just end up being bitten. The solution to your dire dilemma is simple: high-SPF sunblock. Get some. Lots of it.


Question 3: Tatiana Fakenstein

I’m currently involved with two men. Jimmy is an absolute sweetheart. Billy is a total jerk. Jimmy and Billy are conjoined twins, however, Billy has complete control of both legs and his left arm. Jimmy can control the right arm, but his head is attached to Billy’s neck. Last night we tried to eat dinner at our favorite all-you-can-eat buffet. Jimmy scribbled an adorable poem on a used napkin. Billy has always been jealous of Jimmy’s creativity, so he just got up and left the damn buffet. Jimmy had to go with him, of course. I’m so frustrated, Roman.

Now that’s a tasty situation, Tatiana. Billy may have control of both his legs, but Jimmy has control of his BIG brain. And that’s what matters. Don’t let anyone get in the way of expressing your love.


Roman Romance is a critically-acclaimed dating expert. Millions of broken souls superglued their fractured heart back together. You can be one of those souls.


Do you have a question or concern? Leave a comment. Roman Romance will make everything all better.



Published by FlyTrapMan

I have no idea what I'm doing.

12 thoughts on “Roman Romance Dating Advice: Vampires, Big Brain & Cuddling

  1. Haha!! Billy and Jimmy crack me up. I didn’t expect conjoined twins to show up in your post, and man, talk about a sticky situation! Double dating can get pretty old fast, I bet. I wonder who controls the third “leg?” 🤔

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well , now I know where to go if anything untoward was to happen and a man looked at me again….This advise could have saved me some serious downfalls, had I known at an earlier stage where to look for it. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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