Some Of Us Have Two Assholes


(Original post was published on 2016/08/17. Updated on 2020/05/28)


Did you know some of us have two assholes?  Everyone is familiar with the common asshole variety—that lovely muscle responsible for squeezing your last night’s TV diner into a porcelain throne. Everyone is aware of that kind of asshole. It’s essential for life. Where would humanity be if we didn’t have assholes? Think about it.

Stop thinking about that, and now think about this.

If we’re not careful, a special breed of asshole may take up residence inside our gray matter living room, stinking up the entire joint. These uninvited assholes are insidious and the problem can’t be wiped away with 2-ply toiler paper.

Yup, these assholes know you all too well. They use your weakness against you. And what’s worse…

…all these assholes produce the same shitty flavor.


“What? Are you kidding me? Don’t even bother.”

“You suck. You’ll never succeed. Don’t even try.”

“Nope. No way. Don’t even think about it.”

“No one will care. Keep it to yourself. Worthless. Don’t even deny.”


If those kind of disgusting thoughts clog your mind, well…that’s your second asshole speaking directly to you. It’s important to remember that those thoughts are not you.

Have you ever noticed that some thoughts or ideas never seem to go away?

Wiping an ordinary asshole is dirty business. You and I can agree on that. Wiping a mind can be just as dirty.

Thoughts are not tangible but that doesn’t meant they can’t leave a stain on the carpet inside your brain.

You can’t just take a piece of toilet paper, reach inside your mind, wipe from the frontal lobe toward…whatever the back of the brain is called, and then flush soiled thoughts down a nearby outhouse.


“Loser. Ha. Too weak. Don’t cry.”

“Ugly. Who would want that? Don’t look in the mirror.”

“Too stupid. You’ll never succeed. Don’t go any further.”

“It’s hopeless. Everyone hates you. Don’t love.”


The asshole inside your mind may eventually leave on their own, however, the damage has already been done: opportunities expired….relationships ceased to exist…or none were given a chance to flourish. These kind of assholes always take a little piece of you with them.

Some ideas refuse to leave on their own.

If left unchecked, certain thoughts (or inner dialogue) become an infinite source of toxic negativity.

  • Cowardice
  • Self-doubt
  • Paranoia
  • Reluctance
  • Laziness

These special assholes hijack our mood and soul. The stories we tell ourselves may become true, and that’s how these assholes seize their opportunity to defecate all over the place.

Here’s the dealio—I’m not some enlightened guru who sledded down Mt. Wisdom, but I know when to tell an inner asshole to shut its filthy mouth, and that’s what you need to do. This is mental warfare, got it? Anything goes. No rules. It may seem borderline irresponsible to tell your inner asshole to shut up, however, nobody is born with an asshole inside their head, so it’s encouraged to fight shit with shit (so to speak).

Fun Fact: negative thoughts and ideas were gifted to you by someone else’s expectations of who you should be, or what you’re capable of. Somewhere along the line, their shitty dialogue became your shitty dialogue.

A typical inner asshole is an ethereal mixture of all the doubters you encountered during your wonderful life. Some of them had good intentions, while a few projected their own fears onto you, and that’s why your inner asshole is difficult to mute.

You know what they say about opinions, right? They’re like assholes, everyone’s got one. Two. Three. Or four. So…how many assholes do you have? Think about it.

There’s a distinct difference between facts and opinions. Science says so. Look it up. When someone starts yapping about something they know nothing about, it is now your secret mission to separate facts from opinions, because that’s your first line of defense against an invading asshole.

To make things even more complicated: It’s okay to have a negative perception of yourself, but it should be supported by facts—not someone else’s opinion.

  • Too weak? Lift more weight.
  • Too dumb? Read more books.
  • Too fat? Lose more weight.
  • Too insecure? Gain more confidence.

Do you notice a pattern? There’s a proactive way to evict your second asshole, you just have to find the correct solution. Humility is the second line of defense against an invading asshole.

All humans are born with a special power called “negativity concentration”. The special power is kind of like an X-Men mutant ability, but far less useful. A typical Earthling would be ecstatic if a wild $5 bill surfed on a gust of wind, landing by their feet. They would pocket that wild $5 bill, and then go rent a VHS at Blockbuster.

That same Earthling would be devastated if the local jerkwad performed what’s known as a ‘drive-by insulting’—random citizens targeted and pumped full of baseless insults. Something like that would be damn near impossible to recover from…even if we just pocketed a wild $5 bill. Why? Because we concentrate on negativity, that’s why. You were well on your way to the video store… probably would have rented the latest Adam Sandler movie, if a copy was on the shelf.  But the negative encounter turned you upside down and shook all the joy out of your pockets, so now you’re physically unable to afford to laugh.



Now go wipe your dirty mind! Remember to wash your damn hands. Please.


Published by FlyTrapMan

I have no idea what I'm doing.

28 thoughts on “Some Of Us Have Two Assholes

  1. and the drunk assholes, they’re the ones at the bar saying really loudly at inappropriate times during a conversation: “You suck. You’ll never succeed. Don’t even try.” “Nope. No way. Don’t even think about it.” “Loser. Ha. Too weak. Don’t cry.” “It’s hopeless. Everyone hates you. Don’t love.”


  2. haha! ….I have a very filthy mind, and I have NO intentions on every wiping it clean. But, I do wash my hands all the time. Fortunately, assholes are allergic to me…so they pretty much stay away. 😉 Love your blog! Great stuff 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Now I know what to call those negative thoughts kicking around in my brain. Lovely image…an asshole in my brain. That’s almost as gross as those grub-looking things that crawl in–or are put in–a person’s ear and eat their way into the brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Irreverent, truthful, and hilarious, as always . . . another alternative to wiping is to plug it . . . the thoughts I mean. You wouldn’t want a massive backup for the other one. Ahem, ah, humans . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  5. hmm, I realise I am far from perfect…xxx Love is hat makes the world go round, where is it.?.millions are hungry, starving and dying and we are watching the Olympics…hmmm, makes you understand our DNA is make for the survival of the self.
    Good Post, my friend xx


  6. Thought assholes. Huh, it all makes sense now! Lol. I guess one way to wipe a thought asshole from your brain is to think positive thoughts. Hopefully, by doing this, you’d have wiped most, if not all, that crud away. Just don’t get any dingleberries! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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