Saltless Saltines Suck


Hunger led me on a short leash to the kitchen a few days ago. I opened the cabinets and what did I see?

A box of saltines!

Opening the cardboard sarcophagus and retrieving one of the four plastic spires-I split it open, ignoring the first few that are busted. I get to chewing on a pristine square set way in the back.

…And then…I spit that shit out.

What the hell? Where’s the salt? They’re called “saltines” for a reason…oh wait. I’m sorry. They weren’t saltines. They were toppers! The most half-ass snack I came across in a longtime. A very longtime.


Never assume a cracker is just a cracker. Sometimes it’s far less.

I mean…whose idea was this? Did they actually taste these damn things before giving two thumbs up and unleashing this forsaken snack upon humanity? I doubt it. Because if they did, well, they would have promptly salted them the fuck up.

Allow me describe what it’s like getting a mouth full of one of these baked geometrical atrocities:

Imagine accumulating a dryness in your mouth that only occurs when foolishly journeying across a desert with nothing, but a piss soaked t-shirt wrapped around your forehead.

Yup. That’s whats it’s like. Trust me.

Or don’t and take the journey yourself.

Published by FlyTrapMan

I have no idea what I'm doing.

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